a text for the stage by Louky van Eijkelenburg
A room, a big bed with white sheets in the middle of it
SCENE 1 – A body versus the void
Floating
Through a vast nothingness
Infinite
Never-ending
Ever-expanding
Non-existing
This is not necessarily a blissful state of being
It is simply the absence of any state of being at all
The light slowly fades in, the actor is laying naked in bed, curled up like a foetus.
A crash
An unknown force
Flashing
Stretching
Transforming
Atoms organizing in a particular order
Forms and colours taking shape
My all being limiting
Suddenly there is a me
And a something that is not me
A body versus the void
My body
Composed of cells and fluids
Heart beating
Lungs breathing
A skin experiencing
Hot, cold, soft, hard, pain
Light striking my eyes
I want to cry
Vocal cords communicating discomfort
Ears for hearing
Noise first, then voices
Cleary distinguishable strangely familiar voices
Expressing sounds that I cannot yet comprehend
It’s a girl
Blackout
SCENE 2 – Skin coloured caterpillar
The actor is jumping on the bed.
My brother has a thing
A thing that I don’t have
A skin-coloured caterpillar between his legs
I want one too
It looks cute
And it’s awfully convenient for peeing in the woods
I always get pee on my shoes
And I don’t like the grass tickling my ass
Blackout
SCENE 3 – Washed-out pink bloodstained underwear
The actor is standing with their back to the audience, stuffing toilet paper in their underwear.
When this is done, they throw the roll against the wall
My washed-out pink underwear is stained with blood
Different blood
Thick and slimy
I know what blood looks like
I know that it gushes out of your body when you stumble on the sidewalk, or get bitten by your younger sister or pick the skin around you thumb
I know what blood looks like
I know it doesn’t look like this
Stomach contracting
I know what a stomach-ache feels like
I know that it occurs when you eat too much, or too little, or when you’re constipated
I know what a stomach-ache feels like
I know it doesn’t feel like this
I must be sick
I must be suffering from a dangerous disease
It could be cancer
Causing internal bleedings and terrible cramps
I might die within a few weeks
I’d rather die within a few weeks
Blackout
SCENE 4 – The game with the mirror
The actor stands naked in front of the audience.
I will play a game today
It’s called standing naked in front of the mirror and pointing out everything I hate about myself
Starting with the feet
Easy
Right foot slightly bigger than left foot
Toad like looking toes
Legs covered in black dots
Resembling my dad’s morning beard
I shaved them yesterday
Silky smooth softness
It felt nice rubbing them together
Not anymore
Coarse hair already poking through the skin
I must have gremlin genes
Big thighs, big fucking thighs
Big belly, big ass
Too fucking fat
When I breathe in my belly blows up and it looks like I’m pregnant
I’m not pregnant
I will never be pregnant
Pregnancy requires fucking
No one wants to fuck a body like this
No one wants to love a body like this
I will never look desirable in lingerie
Stupid face
Greasy hairdo
Acne skin
Red cheeks
Chubby chin
Crooked nose
Unkissable lips
Asymmetrical as fuck
The actor raises their arms and holds in their belly.
I kind of like my tits like this
I wish they could look like this all the time
I should stop picking the skin around my thumb
One of the girls in my class noticed it the other day
Pink fleshy skin
Blood drops on my science notebook
She called me a freak
She’s right
My cunt looks like a slice of roast beef
I want to cut off the excess skin with a pair of scissors
I tried to pluck out some hair with a pair of tweezers
Didn’t work out
All red now
Red hairy roast beef
I am glad that no one will ever see it.
Blackout
SCENE 5 – Frozen body
The actor is scrubbing their skin with a washcloth, they come to the private parts and wash this almost obsessively.
I should’ve said no
But my body froze
And my voice got stuck in my throat
Blackout
SCENE 6 – Rockhard sixpack
The actor is working out on the floor.
I want to get ripped
Big biceps with visible veins
A rock hard sixpack
I want to experience the pleasure of walking through the park at midnight knowing that I can knock out any motherfucker that comes near
Losing some weight along the way would be nice too but that’s not the goal
I’ve wished I were strong for too long
Time to take action
According to the internet it’s not just about physical strength
It’s a transformation
Blackout
SCENE 7 – Dry desert vagina
The actor is standing against the wall
Six weeks without sex
I just can’t get wet
My vagina a dry desert
My lover keeps asking questions
I wish I had answers
Blackout
SCENE 8 – Pickle
The actor is sitting on the edge of the bed in front of a big jar of pickles, they take one out and eat it.
SCENE 9 – Post natal depression
The actor is sitting at the back of the bed against the wall with their hands crossed.
It’s 4.48 AM
She is screaming
I scream back
Neighbours banging on the walls
Curtains sweeping
Wind whispering from the window
I keep them open to fight the night sweats
Big baby head tore apart my private parts
Heavy limbs
Heavy heart
A screeching creature
Ears still stuck to the sides of the head
Arms and legs chubby clumps of fat
Shockingly sharp nails
Claws for crawling from inferno
A teethless beak for feeding and screaming
She is still screaming
Hush hush hush hush
I am begging a helpless demon
Let me keep my sanity please
Fighting the urge to wrap my hands around the tiny neck
To press the trachea until the noise numbs down
Finally
silence
The actor takes out one breast.
Not even the slightest sensation of bliss so often described by the smiling mothers in the happy baby magazines
She is sucking like a leech
Draining me
Turning me into a slave
Silence
Wind stops whispering
Curtains stop sweeping
She stops sucking
Finally starts sleeping
Blackout
SCENE 10 – My last period
The actor is laying in bed and is very hot.
Tropical storm smacking me in the face
Cheeks flushing
Head pounding
Muscles aching
I am gaining weight
Losing shape
My vagina is turning grey
Ash grey
The colour of decay
My period three weeks late
Barely any blood
Will this be the last one?
Blackout
SCENE 11 – Funny feeling inside
The actor is standing very close to the audience with their back slightly bent.
I met someone on the internet
17 again
Can’t stop smiling
Funny feeling inside
His back bent
His hands wrinkled
His face engraved
Childlike eyes
When he holds my hand or steals a kiss
Going out for dinner
Walking through the woods
Talking
Hours and hours of talking
He doesn’t mind my breast sagging bags
Or my unfitting flesh
He simply thinks I’m beautiful
And I think this is true
Blackout
SCENE 12 – The void versus a body
The actor is lying in bed, curled in like a foetus, almost invisible because of the clothing
Sounds that I cannot comprehend anymore
Familiar voices turning into noise
Light leaving my eyes
Sensations fading
Suffocating
Heart losing pace
Cells and fluids decomposing
Abyss approaching
Atoms losing order
Flashing
Stretching
Transforming
An unknown force
A crash
The light fades out
Floating
Through a vast nothingness
Infinite
Never-ending
Ever-expanding
Non-existing
This is not necessarily a blissful state of being
It is simply the absence of any state of being at all
SCENE
The blackout lasts until the audience starts applauding.
The light goes on and there is an empty pile of clothes on the bed, the actor waits a moment before coming out and receiving the applause.